Four little worlds. Nestled inside a statement. Others may have missed them. But they were all it took to change the direction of my life. These four words are why I am sitting here writing this blog at 12:15am with passion, drive, a sore back and mild carpal tunnel’s.
About a year ago I really started the process of getting in touch with what I really wanted. What was I meant to be doing? Actually, let’s rewind even further. My whole life I never felt I was meant for a normal path. As a young girl, even my mom would tell me that she saw me sitting in a cottage somewhere writing all day. Unfortunately, my writing is pretty horrendous. Grammar bothers me. I write just to piss grammar off. (And this is coming from an English major). Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Never felt that I was going to fit in to the life that I thought everyone was meant to lead. When you are in high school and the guidance counselors are telling you that you basically have no option but to go to college or just be a failure. You go to college. And you have a blast. Then you get out and better find a fucking job to pay those student loans no one ever really explained to you. The 30 minute exit counseling during senior week of college didn’t really cut it either.
So you get a job. And I did. I’ll say this, I love working. I really, really do. I love doing a my job well. I love making my bosses and coworkers happy. But while I was good at working, I was fucking terrible at faking it. I made it through a few jobs, never for long though. I couldn’t settle for that life. Even if it was paying my bills, I couldn’t sit there all day knowing that there was something more inside of me. And I just hit a breaking point. Most likely when I turned 30. That’s usually the biggest mother of a wake up call anyone can get. Especially when you’re not happy with the direction of your life.
Now here I was signing up for free online webinars with riveting titles such as: Live Your Best Life, Success For Yourself, How to Not Throw Yourself Out a Window at Your Job. You get the idea. One in particular appealed to me not because of the content (it was for online coaches, and I was not one of those) but because the ad for the webinar was so pretty and had gorgeous colors. And the girl looking back at me in the ad was just so happy, she was living a life by her own design. I had to hear what this girl had to say. I just had to. So I sat down with a little notebook that usually contained doodles since I never really wrote anything down during these webinars. But I had it there to make myself feel like I was developing personally. Whatever that means. So I’m sitting and picking away at the side of a lined piece of paper in my notebook, listening to this chick talk about how she up and moved with no money and created a life for herself halfway across the world. Sounds awesome. But I have a child and Baby Daddy, so that wasn’t really going to mesh well with my path. Yet, I continued. And I am glad I did. She started reprimanding us a little bit. I mean, in these webinars you do feel like they are talking directly to you. If there is anything I am a huge fan of, it’s tough love. I appreciate honesty and authenticity more than anything in this world. I would rather have one kick ass friend who told me like it is, than 10 friends that tell each other they look pretty and they’ll be okay with the life they are leading. So this webinar was really turning into something. I started leaning closer to my computer as if I was going to somehow better retain this scolding. And there it was- those four words in a sentence. I wrote them down in giant letters in my notebook and then paused the webinar. Take back your power. I sat there in awe of the words and reeling from the impact it had on me almost instantaneously.
I felt slightly embarrassed as my life up until this point flashed before my eyes- it was not good. Where was I in my life? Where were the decisions I made for me and not because of someone else’s influence? Who was I scared of disappointing? Why was I more afraid of stirring someone else’s life up instead of putting mine first? Who was I giving the control of my life to? Because it certainly wasn’t in my control. What did I really want? I couldn’t even finish the webinar that evening. The blood was rushing through my body, my ears were ringing, my head was pounding. Was I having a nervous breakdown? From a fucking webinar that I signed up for because of the hot magenta background? Who knows. Whatever was happening, was happening for a reason and I have run with it ever since. I repeat these four words over and over to myself. On bad days. On good days. On days when I feel that I am sacrificing the things I need for someone else’s benefit. Fuck that. Not happening. Never again.
So here I am, taking my power back. I haven’t a fucking clue what exactly I am doing- but it feels so great. I feel like I can be myself finally. That I don’t have to pretend anymore, that I don’t have to fake anything. That I can swear in blog posts. And make fun of the fact that I even have a blog. It’s awesome, guys. Take back your power.